There have been a lot of events in my life that have helped shaped me into the person I am today. Some of them will always be cherished, while others I desperately wish to rid from my brain once and for all. For whatever reason, I have spent a lot of time supporting others and being the person they perceive me to be. Within relationships, I have compromised to make someone else happy. In rare circumstances, I stopped being myself out of fear of rejection. While I am certainly pleased with my ability to act [I am a Carny after all], denying my true self is a lie that eats me up inside.
People make assumptions about me all the time, and even more so, really enjoy talking shit. There have been plenty of posts that are dedicated to making fun of me, which is touching and all. It is interesting how random anonymous individuals can pass judgment on someone they have never met, nor even tried talking to. It takes minimal effort to converse with me, and I talk way more than given credit for. Ask me the right questions, and I can ramble. Bring something interesting to the table, and I am sure that we can chat for hours.
In the past week, I had two people tell me: “Go fuck yourself“. Am I really that much of an awful human being that I do not even deserve to be spoken to with respect?
It occurs that perhaps I am not the problem, despite what some people may want me to believe. The truth is that I can be a total sweetheart or a complete asshole – it really depends on how people treat me. Perhaps being raised by Jon, a true Southern gentleman who adopted his attitude from the ‘7os punk scene, is responsible for that. To be honest, it really depends on how someone approached me, and there are times where I am not in the mood to talk. Though I understand this can give the wrong impression, if you want to make assumptions about me, I don’t want to know you.
There are plenty of reasons I have for not wanting to interact with people, the main one being that I am an introvert and doing so is exhausting so I need to recharge and I prefer my own company over being around a bunch of gauchos. Though I have given freely of myself in many ways, kindness has often been taken advantage of. Caring too much about others has led me to neglect myself, and I am tired of being treated like a doormat. Perhaps I am also too trusting and open with my feelings, but I was raised to communicate and not hold anything back.
As Kurt Cobain once said: I would rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I am not. People tell me that I can open up to them, but they sure turn tail and run when things get rough. While I can be very emotional, it is not something I have control over and not everyone knows how to deal with it properly. However, I do not ask people to do so and I am not responsible if you choose to care. If you take that upon yourself, you need to accept the fact that I am not a fucking plastic doll; I have an opinion and I am not afraid to express it, I will cry when I damn well feel like it and do not need to be teased about it, and I will not let someone else blame me for the choices that they make because they do not like the way things are going.
There is not a lot I ask of those who wish to be my friends: do not lie to me, steal from me, cheat on me or otherwise fuck me over, and I will show you the same respect. It seems very simple to me, but people act like I am asking for the moon and stars. Do not tell me that you care and then not show it. Talk is cheap; actions speaks volumes of your character, and the truth always surfaces sooner or later.
In the past, I have spent way too much time trying to ‘do the right thing’ for the sake of satisfying someone else’s needs. In fact, I have compromised and made changes [to my benefit on a few occasions] only to be tossed aside like a used napkin. That ends now.
There is endless pride in being myself and not trying to ‘fit in’, because I do not need to be stereotyped or lumped into a genre. They are all quite teeming with drama and bullshit, which I want no part of. Once upon a time I was appreciated for what I was worth and loved every minute of it. Lately I miss being that person and wonder why I have allowed myself to be convinced that was a bad thing.
If you cannot deal with who I am, then please, do not waste my time with lies and bullshit. Do not tell me you are my friend and then walk all over me. Do not tell me you care but do little to show it. Do not take advantage of my kindness and trust, then turn around and throw it in my face.
Never again will I apologize for being me, and I am taking great caution with who I trust and call my friend. It will be an honor reserved for those who prove they are worthy of the title. Everyone else can kindly fuck off.