What is going on?

[Originally written 11.7.02]

To be honest, I really don’t know any more.  I am tired beyond reason. When I go to bed at nite, I don’t want to get out of it the next morning.  Especially when I am with my boy.  How safe and warm I feel.  How happy I am.  How I wish I could do it every morning.

The outing to CBGB’s was a stoned, drunk blur that resulted partying with some fiends in NYC until the wee hours of the morning.

Came down to the Shore since the last update, as I received an e-mail instructing me to do so.  Usually don’t have middle-of-the week visits, but any chance I get to chill with my best friend is one that I will readily take.  We got massively stoned, ate dinner, smoked some more, had a few shots and then climbed into his Chevy to hit the movies.  The people around here definitely are not used to seeing individuals as modified as ourselves, but for some reason it feels like they are looking more out of curiosity than to be rude.  A few girls even asked me about my lobes, so that was kind of cool.

In any event, snuck some whiskey in to the theater and saw Jackass: The Movie.  Fucking hilarious.  There were many moments where Jon scoffed and stated “I can do that.”

Later on, back at his place, we’re curled up on the couch sharing a blunt, and he tells me he booked us for some basement party.  A friend of his is having a birthday, where a few local bands have been invited, and said friend wanted to know if we could provide the bizarre entertainment.  Of course I was overjoyed when I told him I would be there.

He held me for a long time before I departed, a kiss placed on my forehead as he told me to be safe and looked forward to seeing me again.

Have to go hustle this weekend, so I can afford the registration to the sideshow school, as I am not missing out on that.  I am fully motivated to do whatever it takes to be the best sideshow performer I can be.  Until then, I work on myself.  It will take a lot of time, patience, effort, and of course, money.  Seeing as how I’m currently jobless, and have reservations about asking my Dad for the cash, I have to hustle.  Not the worst thing in the world; could be ‘selling it’ out on the street, but I’m just taking advantage of unusual talents and my modified appearance to get paid…nothing wrong with that.  Besides, have to start somewhere if I want to continue this path and become successful.

That’s what motivates me to get the fuck out of bed every day.  Having Jon believe in me means more to me than anything.  I have a choice, I’m well aware of that, but I’m not going to let opportunities slip by any more.  I’ve let that happen far too often.  You can’t sit around and wait for someone to knock on the door and just hand you something good.  You have to get the fuck out of the house and make yourself known in the social world…or something.

All I know is, now that I finally figured out what it is I want to do, I must do everything possible to make it happen.

I’m just rambling now, so I’ll go.

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