[Originally written 2.15.06]
Firstly I want to mention that I saw an amazing sunset yesterday while coming out of Wal*Mart, where I finally purchased myself a clock so I know what time it is and drag myself out of bed before noon. The clouds were a bluish-purple, with brilliant orangey-pink behind them, and the sun itself was a blazing ball of reddish-pink, the same as it was the previous day when I was crossing the border into Jersey.
Since I only had cereal to eat the whole day, I stopped for some grub on the way back to the house, because I have learned my lesson with introducing alcohol to an empty stomach.
Then it was off to South Street to hook up with my main man Jon.
Point of note here, I dressed in black again; this time a bit more formal with a lace trimmed skirt, vintage cashmere sweater and lush velvet jacket, accented with fishnet tights and comfortable leather pumps.
We met up in the same parking lot which had been chosen the first time I came to Philly and hung out with him, so that got the memories stirred up right off the bat. Nerves were bubbling in my stomach for some strange reason. Perhaps it was due to the fact that for the first time in the history of our wonderful friendship, I was single and could see him any time I wanted without some jealous boyfriend asking a dozen questions or making me feel like I was being a cheater for just wanting to spend some time with a dear friend of mine. Come to think of it, the exes were always accusing me of that shit, but now I know it was because of their insecurities.
The sight of that beautiful maroon 1949 Mercury was enough to make me feel like I was on that 1950s date I always wanted, particularly when Jon stepped out. He was dressed in a proper vintage suit, complete with tie and polished leather shoes, all of which were various shades of black, hair so perfect it might as well have been clipped out of a magazine. It took me a good minute or two of blank starring to realize he was offering me a hug. We shared a beautiful Hollywood Moment before climbing into that metallic beast to smoke a blunt. Halfway through it, he puts a small box in my hand, which appeared as though it contained some chocolates. At first I thought it was his way of being ironic and cute, but discovered a much different treat inside.
Once we emerged from the Mercury I was feeling much better, a ridiculous smile plastered across my face as Jon escorted me across the pedestrian bridge and we hit South Street. We may have been shouting obscene things at all those couples showcasing public displays of affection, but I am going to blame the influence of drugs. Besides, the dirty looks we got were pretty amusing. The bars were not overly crowded, mostly due to the fact that it was still early [around nine], but that just meant we could be loud and obnoxious without really bothering too many people. We had a shot of whiskey along with a pint at several bars, some of which we stayed at longer than others.
By the time we arrived at Tattooed Mom’s, we decided to sober up a bit and just hung out for a while, talking about various things. Mainly the choices we have made in our lives and how they have been affecting us, both individually and as friends. That was when the topic of discussion went in a direction I had a feeling it would,and the age-old conversation about why we are not together surfaced. Jon was the one who brought it up, stating that since I was single, I could at least be open-minded about giving it a chance.
The truth is that I have wanted to be with him more than anyone knows, and this is something we have been aware of for quite some time now. However, Jon has also constantly expressed a fear that because of the people he was involved with and the things he did long before we met combined with the reputation he inherited from his father, there will always be a chance that someone would use me to get to him. There were a couple of times in the past when this became a very frightening reality, which I have never really spoken of, and even now I am not sure if anyone would believe me. Weeks and months would drop off the calendar where I had no communication from Jon, my mind coming up with horrible fantasies of disaster or convincing me I was a fool for thinking someone like him would go for someone like me. For a while I thought these events were just drug-related paranoia, until I received some rather unpleasant messages from anonymous people. As much as Jon has wanted to be a part of my life, he also said that he would never forgive himself if anything to happen to me because of him. Thus the reason we are not, and have not been, together.
It hurts us both, and it always has. While I came to accept these facts, and thought Jon did too, it seems he still harbors those old feelings. Then again, I have to admit that I do as well. It is rather difficult not to, after being such good friends for the past six years and having shared some really amazing times together. Despite all of the hardships we have endured, we eventually wind up together and it feels as though things are meant to be that way. No matter how much time passes from one meeting to the next, it does not exist the moment I find myself in his arms, and I feel more comfortable with him than with anyone else. Jon has been here for me through all of my craziness, and never once did he try to bail on me as others have.
There is no doubt that he cares about me deeply, and even when he took my hands in his and told me he was in love with me, it was something I had known for a long time as well. Those feelings have always been there, even if we did not always express them, but that is exactly what has always made our relationship so great. Our bond is strong enough that we have connected on a level others do not understand, where we don’t have to constantly state our affections because we can just feel them. Jon said that he was still concerned about his past coming back to haunt him, but assured me that he would always protect my life with his own. It was a very profound thing for him to state and it left me a bit stunned, but his word has always been his bond and I find myself contemplating how serious he was.
We had a couple more shots before calling it a night, mostly because neither of us could have stomached another drop. Instead of parting right away though, we sat in the Mercury to smoke the remainder of that blunt. For a moment I wanted to say fuck it and run away with him. Somewhere. Anywhere. Where ever we could be alone and enjoy the beauty of what has continued to be an interesting adventure in life. Something happened in that back seat I am not at liberty to discuss, as I have been asked not to and of course I respect this man more than anyone. Active imaginations can form their own conclusions – I will neither confirm nor deny them and simply say that thinking about it now makes me smile.
We did say good-bye after that though, mainly because he said there were things he had to take care of, perhaps hinting that involved pursuing a future together. To say it was difficult to part ways and watch him drive off is a severe understatement, however, our annual tradition was once again a success and I am currently still bursting with happiness.