Rambling Update of Life

[Originally written 4.9.03]

Going to work felt like a complete waste of time.  Washed more towels this week than clients, and towels don’t tip.  Still depositing $105 in the bank today, so I guess I can’t complain.  However, I will say that it makes me feel terrible at the end of the day, not like a job well done.

Went to dinner on Friday with the Asshole, where I had my first margarita [damn good too].  Picked up a bottle of Bailey’s on the way back to the apartment, which was immediately opened for consuming.  Watched City By the Sea [damn good movie with great footage of Asbury Park] Red Dragon [wicked] and the South Park movie. Smoked ourselves into oblivion, which I suppose made being around him less weird.  Doesn’t mean my mind wasn’t drifting down to the Shore.

Saturday I wasted myself at work and then went E-town again.  Made tacos.  Smoked, drank and ate for the rest of the night.  Today was spent like Saturday, pretty much.  Smoked, drank and ate the whole day.  Watched Jackass: the Movie.  Got absorbed in my own writing.  Didn’t really want to come back here but sort of had to, and I’m not even sure if we resolved that whole him saying I could move back in thing.  Now I can’t sleep.  Aside from the fact I have to wait for my clothes to dry, not sure what’s keeping me awake.  However, it is the last time I have to wash my Crapi uniform.

Still mad that the Asshole and I didn’t get to discuss the living situation.  Been throwing such obvious hints that it’s frustrating he can’t seriously discuss this matter.  Then I started to think that perhaps he is not as serious as he would like me to believe.  If this the case, then I am not going to waste my time waiting for the things that will never come.

If Jon hadn’t given me some mushroom tea the last time I saw him, I would be pretty wound up right now.  Anyway, I went to see my Dad the other and surprised him when I said I have a job.  He didn’t know what to say and I am not sure why I even care about what he thinks.

Then I drove into Newark to catch the Path to Chrsitopher Street.  Went to Unimax, and instead of buying the 14g CBR’s, I opted for a pair of 14g labret studs with red jewels in them, which cost $20 for the set.  Not bad; I like the way they look too.  Walked around SoHo for a while and drooled at all the shops I wanted to go into, but couldn’t, because I am being ‘responsible’ and not spending my money on things I don’t really need. Wish I hadn’t left my camera in the car, as I came across this small abandoned building for rent or lease that was covered in graffiti.  It honestly looked like a carousel house.  Just thought it was an odd structure to be sitting among the tall buildings.  Didn’t make it to Coney Island as planned and I’m pissed because I just read the Jumbo Jet is being taken apart.  Next Sunday is opening day, so perhaps I will get the opportunity to make the journey then.

More snow?  It wasn’t funny the first time. It’s less funny now, especially because school was closed and this pushes my graduation date to Monday.  In good news, Shane came back today.  He had been working, which is cool.  Told him I wanted to get his number to keep in touch, so he’ll be giving me that before I graduate.  Did him a favor today and drove him down to the Menlo Park mall so he could meet up with his old lady.  Guess he didn’t want her to drive up to get him from school in that mess.  That’s so sweet.  He kept thanking me and saying how much he appreciated what I was doing.  Hey, that’s just the type of person I am.  He had said he asked other people and they came up with some lame excuse as to why they couldn’t drive him.

I’m not like everyone else,” I said with a smile.

I know,” he replied, “that’s why I talk to you.

Took myself out to dinner and I am now out of pocket cash.  Would like to learn how to throw knives.  It’s a skill that could come in very handy if it ever needed to.  This was way too long and incredibly random, so I’m going to bed now.


What Life Has Become

[Originally written 4.4.03]

For those of you in Jersey, who saw the snow today?

Believe me, I had to do several double takes just to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating.   [Drinking that mushroom tea last weekend produced quite a bit of those.]  Even asked other people if they saw it too.   In Kenilworth, there is no doubt that it snowed today.  Someone’s attempt at a belated April fool’s joke?  Tee-fucking-hee.

After my third day working at the salon, I am already looking for somewhere else to go.

Anyway, this whole thing with the Asshole asking me to move back in has been on my mind all day.  That is a whole can of worms I sort f don’t feel like writing about because it’s kind of confusing.  He made it perfectly clear  that we we are not dating, and I agree with those terms.  While I may pop over to E-town from time to time, I definitely enjoy my trips to South Jersey where I get to hang out with Jon, as he is my best friend after all.  The only thing missing from the equasion is that I always have to come back here when I’m done, so I can go to work or school.  What I wouldn’t give to hustle with him more frequently.  *sigh*

Will have to see what I can work out with the Asshole, because I don’t want to have fun over the weekend and come back here.  That would just be torture.

I would rather live out of my car than do that.  I would rather find a place in the City to squat than do that.  I would rather take up residence in the most haunted place in this state than do that.  I would rather dig a hole in the middle of the most toxic soaked soil of this state and dwell there than do that.

Going to Coney Island always seems to inspire me.  Relieves me of whatever funk I might be in.  Gives me motivation to keep working, so I can make money, so I can do the things I want.  Oh how I look forward to that.  ::smile::  Don’t know when I am going out there, but rest it will definitely be soon.

Before I get sidetracked [too late], I want to try to make it to Unimax for those 14g CBR’s.  Could I drag my ass out of bed early on a day I don’t have to go to school?

Have way too many other to take care of, and suddenly I feel that I have no time for myself.  Welcome to the fun world of responsibilities…it’s grand.

Lost in the Pines

[Originally written 3.31.03]

Saturday I went to work and got paid for the hours I worked then and on Thursday.  Made $105 in two days, including tips, and that’s not too bad.  It may not seem like much to some, but I have not held a ‘real job’ before, so I’m happy to get paid for doing something and cherish what money I get.

To be quite honest, I don’t believe one can appreciate a little bit of money until one has had a great deal, spent it and has had to live off of very little since.  Having been there, I won’t forget what greed can do.  In no way am I going to go spend crazy with my new income. When I make a bit more, I will buy what I need, which is never that much anyway.

As much as I have always appreciated that Jon spoils me with gifts [either money or other things], there’s a certain sense of accomplishment in knowing that I have actually earned the money myself.  Of course then again, I’ve had way more fun doing that with him than being in the salon.  Which just puts me back in that same debate of why I am doing the so-called responsible thing instead of what I love.  Just because others would never view performing as viable way of supporting oneself doesn’t detract from the fact that it’s what makes me feel most complete.  There are a very select few that ever understood this, and perhaps the reason I considered them my Family.

In any event, I was careless with money in the past.  How easily it was spent to have the fun I felt like I missed out on when I was a teenager.  There were also times I spent it on others, for no other reason than I wanted to be nice.  Yea, some people readily accepted the generosity without so much as a thank-you and now act like it never happened, so I will certainly be less charitable in the future.  Said monies weren’t exactly replaced either, and I learned my lesson the hard way.

At least Jon is proud of me, and that is really all the support I need.

The time spent with him this weekend felt short, but was definitely good.  Drove down to South Jersey right after work on Saturday, which left me feeling slightly exhausted.  We immediately smoked ourselves stupid and consumed food until we were bloated.  Once again our conversations mainly revolved around circus and sideshow things.  There is much knowledge he has that I readily absorb, it’s no wonder that I think about performing more than a ‘real job’.  The more Jon relays his stories about working with various circuses and carnivals, how he traveled to new places and explored what they had to offer, the more I desire to experience it for myself.  Then the thoughts start filling my head.  Why should I have to completely alter my appearance for the sake of fitting into a work environment when I can totally profit off having an unusual one?

Sunday we took a long walk on the beach, which is where I tend to feel the most relaxed.  It’s like nothing else exists for a moment, the gentle roar of waves crashing on the sandy shore becomes almost rhythmic and certainly is soothing.  There’s always a distinct yet sometimes faint salty aroma in the air, which is eagerly sucked into the lungs as a welcomed change from the ghetto jungle that I am used to.  Hours just slip by as we comfortably share silence, occasionally holding hands or sitting down to smoke a joint and get lost in the vast expanse of ocean that stretches into infinity.  No wonder I enjoy escaping here as much as possible.  It’s where I feel safe and secure, without noise and bullshit, without much care or concern for the things that usually invade my thoughts.  We watched the sun set and it is hard to describe as anything less than brilliant; vivid colors fill the sky and dance across the ocean with a strange electricity.

Later on we climbed into Jon’s Chevy and took a drive into the Pines to drink mushroom tea.  Despite the many years of D.A.R.E. programming that I was exposed to during my years in grade and high school, I really fail to see the problem with natural drugs.  Alcohol can be way more damaging and addicting than plants, but that’s just my opinion.  Hallucinogens are not meant to be used as play things either, even tho I’m sure people think LSD or MDMA is like candy.  Jon has explained how those things can build up in your body and cause harmful effects later in life.  Of course people adopt the attitude that they might as well live it up while they can, but as someone who has experienced brief glimpses of death, he certainly advises against being reckless.

In any event, our trips in the Pines are always filled with various sights and sounds that may or may not actually exist.  He makes an excellent guide, pointing out various plant and animal life as we encounter it or offering a useful survival tip.  Suffice to say that I learn more from him than I did from books, and I really enjoy the fact that he loves filling my head.

We happened to stumble across some Outlaw Cirkus members who were having a cook-out and tripping as well.  It was a delightful surprise considering the troupe has been pretty distant from one another, tho from what I understand, they were just squatting in the woods for a few days before moving on to Baltimore.  We all sat around a campfire and passed around the jar of tea while stories of strange creatures said to inhabit the Pines were told.  It’s impossible to determine exactly how long we stayed in the woods, and I don’t remember going back to Jon’s house or saying good-bye to him.  Or even how I managed to drive back up the Parkway, because I had to go to school the next day, but I do know that eventually I wound up in bed and slept quite well.

The Cyclone officially opens in 14 days, and the excitement is certainly building.

Might go to Unimax in the near future, as I lost a bead on my CBB in my tragus and paranoid that the jewelry is going to slip out whilst I’m sleeping.  Also want to purchase two small 14g CBR for them both.  Obviously will get in touch with Jon and ask if he would like to come along.

Lastly, once out of school and working full time, I will have to make time to go out.  Anywhere, really, just to see what’s what; interact with other people and experience life more.  Thanks to drugs and my best friend, I have a vision of a crew of misfit, modified individuals that like to get together to have fun; to stand above these boring masses of flesh and proclaim our unity.  Okay, that sounds kind of corny, but seriously, I just think it’d be cool [do the kids still use that word?] to have a little crew that goes ’round to various places to be seen and heard.

It’s my stupid little fantasy, laugh at it if that will make you feel better, but it could be possible some day.

Carny vs Real Job

[Originally written 3.27.03]

Spent four hours in a salon today.  Washed hair.  Washed towels.  Swept up hair.  Did other fun assistant work and made $15.  Seriously hoping that I will get paid an actual salary and they don’t expect me to live off tips.  Yea, money is money and all that, but I need to save it for something important.

Today was just sort of my start day to get the feel of the salon and whatnot.  Going back on Saturday from 9-4.  Weaseled out of having to stay until nine by outright lying.  It’s amusing at how good I am at it, but that just comes with being a Carny.

Saturday happens to be a very busy day in the salon [as if I didn’t know that] and I guess they could have used an extra pair of hands.  Anyway, with as much sincerity as I could muster, I looked the owner in the eye and told him that quite honestly, the reason I am hesitant to work the full hours on Saturday is because I do volunteer work and take care of an elderly gentlemen who can’t do things for himself.  *ha ha ha*  It’s not a total lie when you think about it, but I was not going to see the Asshole either.

He looked quite shocked, but pleased, said it was admirable and that he understands.  Damn I’m good.

Oh, and the reason I even did this to begin with, is because I had wanted to roll down to South Jersey this weekend to chill with Jon, and that was kind of more important to me than standing around waiting to wash towels while listening to useless gossip.

The thing is, I have been trying to get a hold of him since Wednesday to tell him the good news about the job. Left him a message to get int touch with me, then went to do my grandmother’s hair.  Sat and talked shit about my mom for 4 hours. Learned some very interesting things.

Anyway, I’m happy that I will be making some money at the salon.  Every last dollar goes straight into my account;  no fucking around with it.  Can maybe last here until the end of the month, but not a day after that.  Really wish I could leave after I graduate, but that just isn’t going to happen.  I have been so busy job hunting that I haven’t had the time to search for an affordable apartment.  However, I will only be working 4 days a week, so the other 3 will have to be dedicated to finding a place.

Meanwhile, my mind keeps going back to the same thought over and over again.  That being I should stop allowing my Dad and everyone else to pressure me into getting a ‘real job’, when I really just want to be performing with Jon.  Which is not really something that’s easy to explain to friends, so I don’t even know how I would go about breaking the news to my parents.  “Oh hey, I have this awesomely talented best friend that I’ve been hanging out with for three years now.  He’s a Carny and I am too, and we put on these great shows.  All these people come out to watch us do weird things, and it’s the most amazing moments of my life.  In fact, it’s what I want to do from now on.”  Yea, I see that going over real well.  *sigh*

To all those that were bothering me to get a job, now I have one and want my reward.  *gimme gimme gimme*

Anyway, at least I can celebrating with Jon, because I know that he’s proud of me.  Even if we do have nice talks about hustling when we’re high.  Man, those were the days.  Spending hours in the City, looking sad and pathetic and not even having to ask people for spare change.  Most of the time they just gave it to me when they saw the tears running down my cheeks.  We also had a few old school scams that paid off well, but we couldn’t hit the same places often or we would blow our cover.  After a hard day of work, we would treat ourselves to dinner and stuff our faces until our bellies ached.  If nothing else, it gave us a great thrill, and how I loved watching Jon putting his skill to use.  Those hands move flawlessly and so quickly that it’s hard to even see what they are doing.  He tells me that my ability to cry at random is just as good, but he’s got that natural skill, and it’s part of what makes him so damn attractive.

However, we both have that respect for circus as an art, so it’s hard for us to always think about the money.  Then again, we enjoy the thrill of the hustle more than the pay off; the money is just a nice bonus.  Getting people to purchase tickets to watch us perform gives us way more satisfaction, of course.  Perhaps we can find a compromise to do both.

Now I stop before I keep rambling on and getting too ahead of myself, as I often do.  Sometimes I look at my older entries, and the plans I made for myself then that should have been accomplished by now.  One day at a time.

Miss Anti-Beauty Pageant

[Originally written 3.24.03]

Was putting my face on Friday morning and the phone rings.  It was so good to hear Jon’s voice.  He invited me to come over around 7:30 for some dinner.  Went to school happy.  Did absolutely nothing for most of my time there.

The highlight was going to lunch with Shane.  Funniest shit ever.  You would think these people never saw anything out of the ordinary. Then again, having us look the way we do and wearing those awful Crapi uniforms does make for good entertainment.  Shane exclaims “Look, the freak show’s here!” as we entered the pizza joint.  I swear, the guy behind the counter took 5 minutes to understand we wanted a whole white pizza with eggplant and tomato on half, to the point I felt my brain being turned to mush due to his stupidity.  Lucky for them the pizza was good.

Dashed back here to shower and all that.  Was bombarded by a thunderstorm that came out of nowhere, causing everyone to drive like an ass.  Guess people never saw water falling out of the sky before.  Thankfully I made it thru the obstacle course that was the Garden State Parkway to Jon’s nice, dry, safe house.

Shared a bowl before heading out for Chinese food and bought a bottle of whiskey as well.  The rain dried up long enough for us to have the Miss Anti-Beauty Pageant, so that was a relief.  Since this is the third year for the pageant, there was an awesome crowd, which makes all the hard work and effort we put into advertising worth the while.  Things like this don’t just happen by magic, and Jon actually builds the stage himself with the assistance of a couple friends.  Yea, it might be DIY, but we still make it look good.   The event was well-received, a gorgeous girl won the crown, and I placed first in the Hair Art competition, but that might be due to a biased judges panel.  *ha ha*

Then the music swelled and it was time for some good ol’ fun South Jersey hillbilly style.  There were a lot of couples swing dancing, which for some strange reason always puts a smile on me face.  Much consumption of ‘shine and ‘shrooms took place alongside smoking, but it was a super friendly atmosphere and I met a lot of great people.  Jon and myself did a midnite performance which I had been nervous about, but it went really well.  [That boy is getting me addicted to being in front of a crowd.]  Partied into the a.m. hours after that, then we all went down to the beach to watch the sunrise.  Said good-bye to many faces I hope I remember, thanking them for coming out and having a good time, and then it was time for sleep.

Saturday I woke up to breakfast in bed, which came with side of blunt.  Jon was in the mood for an adventure [in addition to wanting to take the Chevy out], so we play Pick Random Diner™ and land on one that’s way the fuck up in Staten Island.  It was absolutely beautiful outside, so neither one of us minded the drive.  When I am with Jon in that Chevy, time does not seem to exist.  The windows are rolled down, the music gets turned up and we both spark a joint, losing ourselves in conversation.  Spent an hour going the wrong way trying to locate the Victory.  At least we got to enjoy the fabulous scenery.  *ha ha*

Finally stopped and asked for directions, we wind up goin back the way we just came.  Meanwhile, I am staring out the window in awe of how beautiful the houses were and how upscale the neighborhoods were.  Especially the mansions way up on the hills.  Wonder who lives there? [Ceazan weaze seahzay meazafeazia?]  The diner was really nice, one of those stand-alone dinner cars with brick that was added later to make it more solid.  The food was good, and we entertained ourselves by talking about the other people in our language.  *hehe*

Returned to his place to smoke ourselves stupid and make some alcoholic slush things.  Later in the evening, we drive out to the Pine Barrens, eat some mushrooms and choose to wander around.  Now this is only the sort of thing I would do with Jon, because I trust him more than anyone I know, and he is very familiar with the maze of trees that ordinarily confuse sober people.  That’s not to say I wasn’t kind of scared, considering the fact that it was pitch black out and we were tripping.  It felt as tho my hand was melted into his, and so long as I was aware of his presence [perhaps even too aware], I knew I was completely safe.  Jon would never let anything happen to me, and it really does give me a great sense of comfort.  The experience actually helped me to calm down, and I saw some amazing things.

Sunday was mostly spent in bed, smoking or eating.  Obviously by now I have noticed that Jon tends to allow me to stay longer and longer, because I know he doesn’t want to let me go.  After dinner, he surprised me with a gift in the form of a second pair of shears, in case anything happened to the first pair, along with a nice leather pouch to keep all my tools in.  Have I mentioned yet how much my best friend rocks?

Came back here sometime after nine and avoided contact until I had to go to bed.

One Last Caress

Five years ago around this time was the last time I saw my best friend Jon alive.  Earlier this year, the realization that I had turned 29 [the age he was when he died] hit me so hard I almost didn’t know what to do with myself.  However, I always know that Jon would want me to be hold my chin up, even though shedding tears over the fact that he is no longer with me would be completely acceptable.  Posting all these entries that document some of our time together [there are a couple of years worth of journal entries that sadly vanished] stirs up a variety of emotions.  Mostly it is happiness and reliving those moments with fondness, not to mention feeling blessed for having such an influential individual in my life, if even for a brief moment.

While the wound that his death left upon me has slowly healed over the years, often my thoughts wander, especially to this time in particular.  The questions come and linger without answer.  What if I had said yes to his proposal?  Would my life in general be vastly different if Jon and I had been together?  Would I be the same person, or would I have evolved into someone much stronger and more confident than I currently feel?

Getting stuck on such notions is easier when I flying solo, so to speak, on account I feel as though there is an endless void constantly engulfing me.  There were attempts to fill it with various things, none of which were ever good to me, and it finally came to a point where I had to pull myself up by the boot straps.  After all, part of the motivation to continue carrying on crucial elements that make me who I am is due to the fact that I had an excellent teacher.  Indeed Jon bequeathed me with a wealth of knowledge pertaining to circus and sideshow, but I also happened to absorb much of his attitude, and I honestly don’t believe I would want myself to be any other way.  Being a Carny has always meant more than I can explain, and I made my vow to be with it to the end long ago enough that I know for certain it is one promise I will never break.

The following entry was written March 10, 2006 – I had been living in Philadelphia for about a month and was in constant contact with Jon.  This would be the last time we hung out in one of favorite spots, the often magical land of Cherry Hill, New Jersey.


It may still technically be Winter, but as far as Mother Nature was concerned on this particular afternoon, it was about time for a warmer temperature and a gorgeous day that just begged to be enjoyed.  Since I am not one to waste beautiful afternoons, I had to go outside.

My plan for the day was to explore the Hostile City, as I had to vacate the house for a few hours due to the need to fumigate.  No sooner did I roll out of bed than my phone was ringing.  Well, actually, that was what woke me up.  Squinting down at the unidentifiable number, I figured if it was important, they would leave me a message.  Headed upstairs to shower and dress.

Upon checking my messages, I was delighted to hear Jon’s voice requesting my presence in Cherry Hill.  Ah yes, that magical piece of New Jersey that holds so many memories.

Enjoyed the four hour adventure of driving around, my head turning left and right to take in the sights.  It’s amazing how much the neighborhoods vary from one to the next, where tightly packed rows of brick houses become replaced by sprawling parks.  Picked up a pint of whiskey – I am rather amused that liquor is sold separately than beer here – returned home, freshened up, grabbed something to eat and chilled out for a while, my stomach bubbling with nervousness.  As much as I had enjoyed my drive through the city, I had been pondering the reason Jon had wanted to see me. While I am always certainly grateful for any time I get to spend with him, there had been a tone in his voice that suggested there was something on his mind.

The evening was warm, so I rolled out into the city with the windows down and Los Straitjackets on high volume, which is not the usual music you’ll hear pouring out of an Oldsmobile in these parts.  Driving over the bridge was something I had done a few times already, but this was the first journey across the border at night, and I was captivated by all the twinkling lights of the city as it faded into the horizon behind me.  Then I was back in the Garden State on my way to meet up with my best friend, the love of my life, and it feels weird considering the fact I was doing the exact opposite just a few months ago.  Before I know it, the movie theater comes into view and I become aware of the smile twitching across my lips.  Navigating through the parking spaces, it took a couple of minutes to find his Mercury sitting in a remote area of the lot.  Once it was no longer in motion, I all but jumped out and instantly found myself in his arms – cue the Hollywood Moment, limbs awkwardly tangled since I had been unprepared.  He smelled amazing and for some reason I noticed that he looked particularly well-groomed that evening, which always makes me swoon since I somehow forget how handsome he is.

Not that he was in any of his fancy Carny attire or anything like that; something about the combination of worn out clothes with hair that was as polished as his shoes made my heart swoon.  The smile that lit up his face was infectious and we must have stood there grinning like idiots for a few minutes without saying much of anything at all.  Then we climbed into the back seat of his Mercury, where shots of whiskey were consumed, a blunt was lit and he politely asked if I wanted to hit the drags.  Which led to an inebriated text message sent to James, followed by him calling me while I had been in the middle of something.  With half the blunt and the booze were half gone, we sat there in silence for several minutes, just enjoying the pleasure of each other’s company.  Having entered the proper movie-viewing state, we made our way into the theater, oblivious to the wastes of flesh around us.

This one kid, who obviously purchased his entire outfit [and probably even the lack of personality] from Hot Topic, decided to hurl some words our way.  When will kids learn that you do not want to fuck with Carnies?  Jon was quick to turn around with a rather harsh expression on his face, then proceeded to calmly talk to the annoying teenager and his little groupies.  He made one of the girls cry, and she ran into the bathroom, though I wasn’t really paying attention so don’t know what was said to upset her so much.  The distraction caused him to purchase tickets to the 10:20 showing, as opposed to the one at 9:10.  Having to wait an hour, we walked over to the Silver Diner where we had a quick bite to eat and shared fond memories about our adventure at the mall across the street.  Between waiting for the order, eating and talking about random things, that hour sure went by fast.

Returning to the theater for The Hills Have Eyes, we had to take a moment to find seats that weren’t surrounded by too many people.  Though I was hoping for more mutants, or at least more scenes with them, I enjoyed the movie even if a few scenes were disturbing.  Maybe it was the substances in my body, but it seemed the plot had moved rather quickly.

Then it was back to the Mercury, as Jon had insisted there was something he wanted to talk to me about.  That nervousness crept back into my stomach.  Holding my hands in his, and after a long awkward silence, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and I knew that he had serious words for me.

Jon completely opened up to me, admitting he had spent too much time hiding his feelings in drugs and alcohol, too afraid to allow himself to be completely vulnerable for fear he would lose me.  By now it is no secret that he has harbored a desire for me all these years, particularly since we have been engaging in intimate activities on a regular basis.  Truth be told, we tried to have a relationship on more than one occasion, but a number of things prevented that from being possible in the past.  My happiness was more important than his own desires, but he was passionate about wanting to have a future with me no matter what it could cost.

Over the years, I have watched him struggle with addiction and internal demons, but despite all of the obstacles that were presented to us, we are still as close as ever.  He assures me that it is something he is slowly getting under control, though recovery was a long process and he preferred to have me by his side rather than attempting it alone.  In an effort to show me how serious he was about building a future together, he said he had sold the Shore house and set the money aside “for us”.  This was plenty of information to absorb, and then he presents me with a proposal of marriage and a pretty little ring.  At that moment I was so beside myself that I couldn’t manage a response, though he didn’t wait for one before pulling me in for a passionate kiss.

“You don’t have to say anything, I can see it written all over your face,” he said with a smile.  “You deserve this and so much more, and I want to be the one who crawls to the end of the earth to make that happen.”

“Why?”  [That was the best I could come with as intoxicants collided with overwhelming emotions.]

His hands slid oh so gently across my cheeks as he brought my face towards his, a serious expression glinting in his eyes as he seemed to stare right through me.  “You have been so much more than a loyal friend to me all of these years Angel, that I can’t see my life going much further without you in it.”

We lapsed into silence following another kiss, and then Jon held me for what seemed like hours.  Eventually he announced that he had to get the Chevy back –  though he loved driving the Mercury, his work on it had been finished for quite a while and the trade would need to be completed.  Promising that he would keep in touch as much as he could, Jon reminded me that it would only be a matter of time before we were together again…for good.  Everything about him was absorbed in those moments where I was lost among his leather jacket, its scent mingling with his cologne and the smoke rising from a joint held loosely in his tattooed fingers.  We could have slept there and I would have been perfectly content.

That is pretty much the way the night ended, after parting with one last sweet kiss.  Did not dare to look back as I drove away, as I wanted to remember the smile on his face when he told me how much he loved me.

Right now I want to climb up on the rooftop and shout at the top of my longs that I love you Aaron, and being able to have you as my partner in crime for the rest of my life is the best gift you could have ever given me.

Happy Get Drunk and Wear Green Day™

[Originally written 3.17.03]

Very brief update while waiting for Jon to return with the provisions for tonite’s debaucherous festivities.

Patiently made it thru the whole week in anticipation of seeing him last Friday evening.  Of course he was happy when I arrived.  Immediately, smoking ourselves stupid was in order.  Followed by eating,  more smoking and drinking then passing out.

Saturday we decide to go out and not waste the nice weather, stopping at a diner for lunch.  You know, one of those shiny chrome ones I love so much.  Very nice place; good food as well.  After that we hit up an Army & Navy store.  Jon bought new jeans for himself and a short-sleeved black shirt for me, as I desperately needed one.  Drove around for a while and decided to stop for some ice cream at this darling little vintage parlor.  Continued driving while keeping an eye out for a particular second-hand shop, but came across a different one and stopped in.  The clothes were nice, but too expensive for customizing.  Then we found the one that we had looking for but it was closed, so we just went back to his place instead, to repeat the previous nite’s activities.

Woke up after noon on Sunday with the warm sun on my face.  Jon made breakfast as we smoked and suggested we sit outside.  Retrieved those oh-so precious Skin Two magazines [happily acquired from this random fetish shop I had found in North Jersey] from my car and joined him out back with my art supplies.  Now the pervert’s mind will quickly jump to assumptions as to why I had issues of Skin Two in the first place.  Of curse I can dig on a good majority of the lovely fetish wear; latex—especially in corset form—looks so aesthetically pleasing, and I appreciate that people enjoy these things for a number of reasons.  However, I happen to own these for artistic references when drawing, using the poses and clothing when I get stumped.

After a few hours of being in the zone, Jon suggests we should go to Coney Island.  Definitely a long ride up, but of course a couple of proper blunts helps speed that along.  Sat next to the Cyclone and ate our lunch.  There were a lot of people who swarmed the amusement area and boardwalk, just coming and going in the same way as we were.  Couldn’t get over how many people were there, considering maybe 20 people at the most were in the area when we had visited last week.  Dozens of people were walking around, enjoying the sun and cool breeze coming in from the water.  The line for Nathan’s was out the door.  The El Dorado bumper cars was blasting their music and doing good on business.  Some little candy shop on Surf Ave was open and whafting scents of sugar thru its doors.  There are some new pieces of wood on the Cyclone, which were spotted as we gazed fondly at our favorite coaster.  Yes sir, the amusement area is certain getting ready for opening day.  Wonder if the Parachute Jump will be put together by then, as it was still in pieces.

We had a nice stroll on the beach, arms linked as tho we were one of those old European couples you see slowly wandering around.  Lost ourselves in conversation and the soothing rhythm of the sea.

Later on, we stopped in at this diner on Cropsey Ave that had damn good food and fantastic classic photos of Coney Island on the walls.  Was especially struck by one of the Parachute Jump while Steeplechase still existed.  Ordered some coffee and a super decadent tiramisu from another diner on the way back, then proceeded to get stoned at his place, the relaxation almost overwhelming.

Right now, there is a keg and a blunt that need my attention.  Also promised some people I’d make a coat hanger disappear in my throat, so off to do that now.