[Originally written 3.31.03]
Saturday I went to work and got paid for the hours I worked then and on Thursday. Made $105 in two days, including tips, and that’s not too bad. It may not seem like much to some, but I have not held a ‘real job’ before, so I’m happy to get paid for doing something and cherish what money I get.
To be quite honest, I don’t believe one can appreciate a little bit of money until one has had a great deal, spent it and has had to live off of very little since. Having been there, I won’t forget what greed can do. In no way am I going to go spend crazy with my new income. When I make a bit more, I will buy what I need, which is never that much anyway.
As much as I have always appreciated that Jon spoils me with gifts [either money or other things], there’s a certain sense of accomplishment in knowing that I have actually earned the money myself. Of course then again, I’ve had way more fun doing that with him than being in the salon. Which just puts me back in that same debate of why I am doing the so-called responsible thing instead of what I love. Just because others would never view performing as viable way of supporting oneself doesn’t detract from the fact that it’s what makes me feel most complete. There are a very select few that ever understood this, and perhaps the reason I considered them my Family.
In any event, I was careless with money in the past. How easily it was spent to have the fun I felt like I missed out on when I was a teenager. There were also times I spent it on others, for no other reason than I wanted to be nice. Yea, some people readily accepted the generosity without so much as a thank-you and now act like it never happened, so I will certainly be less charitable in the future. Said monies weren’t exactly replaced either, and I learned my lesson the hard way.
At least Jon is proud of me, and that is really all the support I need.
The time spent with him this weekend felt short, but was definitely good. Drove down to South Jersey right after work on Saturday, which left me feeling slightly exhausted. We immediately smoked ourselves stupid and consumed food until we were bloated. Once again our conversations mainly revolved around circus and sideshow things. There is much knowledge he has that I readily absorb, it’s no wonder that I think about performing more than a ‘real job’. The more Jon relays his stories about working with various circuses and carnivals, how he traveled to new places and explored what they had to offer, the more I desire to experience it for myself. Then the thoughts start filling my head. Why should I have to completely alter my appearance for the sake of fitting into a work environment when I can totally profit off having an unusual one?
Sunday we took a long walk on the beach, which is where I tend to feel the most relaxed. It’s like nothing else exists for a moment, the gentle roar of waves crashing on the sandy shore becomes almost rhythmic and certainly is soothing. There’s always a distinct yet sometimes faint salty aroma in the air, which is eagerly sucked into the lungs as a welcomed change from the ghetto jungle that I am used to. Hours just slip by as we comfortably share silence, occasionally holding hands or sitting down to smoke a joint and get lost in the vast expanse of ocean that stretches into infinity. No wonder I enjoy escaping here as much as possible. It’s where I feel safe and secure, without noise and bullshit, without much care or concern for the things that usually invade my thoughts. We watched the sun set and it is hard to describe as anything less than brilliant; vivid colors fill the sky and dance across the ocean with a strange electricity.
Later on we climbed into Jon’s Chevy and took a drive into the Pines to drink mushroom tea. Despite the many years of D.A.R.E. programming that I was exposed to during my years in grade and high school, I really fail to see the problem with natural drugs. Alcohol can be way more damaging and addicting than plants, but that’s just my opinion. Hallucinogens are not meant to be used as play things either, even tho I’m sure people think LSD or MDMA is like candy. Jon has explained how those things can build up in your body and cause harmful effects later in life. Of course people adopt the attitude that they might as well live it up while they can, but as someone who has experienced brief glimpses of death, he certainly advises against being reckless.
In any event, our trips in the Pines are always filled with various sights and sounds that may or may not actually exist. He makes an excellent guide, pointing out various plant and animal life as we encounter it or offering a useful survival tip. Suffice to say that I learn more from him than I did from books, and I really enjoy the fact that he loves filling my head.
We happened to stumble across some Outlaw Cirkus members who were having a cook-out and tripping as well. It was a delightful surprise considering the troupe has been pretty distant from one another, tho from what I understand, they were just squatting in the woods for a few days before moving on to Baltimore. We all sat around a campfire and passed around the jar of tea while stories of strange creatures said to inhabit the Pines were told. It’s impossible to determine exactly how long we stayed in the woods, and I don’t remember going back to Jon’s house or saying good-bye to him. Or even how I managed to drive back up the Parkway, because I had to go to school the next day, but I do know that eventually I wound up in bed and slept quite well.
The Cyclone officially opens in 14 days, and the excitement is certainly building.
Might go to Unimax in the near future, as I lost a bead on my CBB in my tragus and paranoid that the jewelry is going to slip out whilst I’m sleeping. Also want to purchase two small 14g CBR for them both. Obviously will get in touch with Jon and ask if he would like to come along.
Lastly, once out of school and working full time, I will have to make time to go out. Anywhere, really, just to see what’s what; interact with other people and experience life more. Thanks to drugs and my best friend, I have a vision of a crew of misfit, modified individuals that like to get together to have fun; to stand above these boring masses of flesh and proclaim our unity. Okay, that sounds kind of corny, but seriously, I just think it’d be cool [do the kids still use that word?] to have a little crew that goes ’round to various places to be seen and heard.
It’s my stupid little fantasy, laugh at it if that will make you feel better, but it could be possible some day.