[Originally written 4.29.03]
I am so used to getting up and going to school, that now I find myself awake at 7 a.m. with nothing to do.
Drove aimlessly yesterday thru Northern Jersey. Somehow I found my way to the North Arlington diner, then made a right, as I know what is to the left, and I did not want to get too lost, which why I didn’t go straight. As I’m just driving along, lo and behold…I discovered the Lyndhurst diner. It is certainly beautiful, and I must go back some day soon. Also in my travels, I discovered the remains of an old prison. Something makes me think I was in Newark, but I am not too sure of that. However, I definitely know that the site was featured in a recent Weird NJ issue.
There have been a lot of things that I am thinking about. Most of them are how I can help myself, since I really need to get as far away from all of this negative bullshit as possible. To escape from everyone and everything negative that is bringing me down. Then I can focus on the more important matter of being the best damn sideshow performer I can be.
It will all come in due time. While I have patience, at times it grows very thin.
Life has jut gotten to that point where I have to move on. Those who stick with me, I know that they actually care about me as a friend, and will certainly be cherished as such. Those who couldn’t care less have the right to do so. However, I will definitely not be wasting my time on such selfish people.
Don’t take it personally, but quite frankly, if you have not done anything for me, I will not be thanking you when I am successful. There are no ‘little people’ to remember if I do everything for myself.
Honestly, I don’t care how that comes across, as I should not have to put on a plastic smile for everyone and pretend to be someone or something that I am not. If this offends you, then maybe you should just go on with your life, as I am sure I have not made such a profound impact on anyone, that the opinions I have a right to express effect you.
I take pride in being an asshole. I will do it as openly and as obnoxiously as possible. If I piss you off, I have succeeded. If I offend you, I have succeeded. If you have negative things to think or say about me, you just made my fucking day.
I move on…I don’t dwell on bullshit.
We make no apologies for this.
Yesterday I sat in Hudson County Park to write for a while. I’m almost done copying the story [so when I go back to read it, I can make sense out of it], and I already know where I want to go with the plot. While the story is not done by a long shot, I have to admit that it’s damn good.
Need to set up a time to go and have a talk with Jon to see what he can do for me. Haven’t seen him since last week, but I suspect [as always] there is a reasonable explanation for that. Considering that he just popped in with an e-mail, I know he is eager to see me. Perhaps that is why I have been so down lately. The absence of joy that my best friend brings hits hard every now and then, which only fuels my desire to have it. Maybe the Shore and his company is exactly what I need right now.