Born From Sawdust

[ Originally written 8.11.03]

The weekend adventures were few. I had wanted to hit Q’s on Friday, but after learning about the death of my rat, Jon insisted that I come  down to the Shore.  It’s hard to say No to my best friend.  Besides, he gave me things to make me less sad about my rat, and that was actually way better than getting drunk at a club, which I probly really didn’t want to do anyway.

Saturday was filled with rain, more smoking and chilling out watching movies.  It was nice tho, because I get enough noise and bullshit between my mom’s house and being in E-twon, so a ‘vacation’ at the beach is almost spoiling me.

Sunday we grew tired of bumming around the house, so Jon drove us into the City.  Attempted to go to the Museum of Natural History [I think it was], but there were too many people there, and I could tell that he was uncomfortable, so we left.  Ate lunch at Jekyl and Hyde’s.  Good idea, great atmosphere, but a little too dark and not enough entertainment.

The water started falling out of the sky again, so we decided to head back. Picked up some sugar-filled goodies before returning to Jersey.  The rest of the evening was spent consuming said goodies and testing out the new pipe he also purchased.

There’s really no explaination as to why I feel so shitty today.  It’s the whole loneliness feeling that tends to overcome me.

While I enjoy going out places, driving to no particular destination or what have you, it would be a lot better if I had someone with me.  Perhaps I should just face the fact that I am such a terrible fucking person that no human in their right mind would even consider being nice to me, never mind have any sort of interest in me.

It’s hard to make people understand things you feel in your soul.  Of course I am talking about the whole sideshow thing.  Have been catching promo’s for HBO’s new series Carnivale, and it looks incredible.  It also makes me long for having that experience.  Most people have no idea how it feels to be up on stage performing for an audience of strangers.  Honestly, it’s the best feeling, and I certainly believe if that’s what I was doing right now, I would feel less like a worthless piece of shit.

As Jon has said many times, I was born with sawdust in my veins, and he seems to be the only person to understand what that means.  My life goal is to make a living being a sideshow performer, and that doesn’t exactly fit into the list of things that people look for in a friend.  You can’t connect with someone who doesn’t fully comprehend your passion and the thing that you want most in your life.  For me, it’s the sideshow and the life that comes along with it.  Nothing could make me happier, and yet I am deprived of it on a daily basis.  

Can you blame me for not being properly motivated?  For not giving a shit about a ‘real job’?  For saying fuck it, becauseI just stopped caring what people think?

What is the point of keeping positive, if all it has gotten you is a big fucking nothing?  Why hold on to impossible dreams if they constantly get shattered?  What is the point of building up your confidence, believing that you have something, if it seems like no one gives a shit?

Then again, I have this amazing friend that I love so much I am afraid to admit it to anyone but myself, because I always question whether or not he feels the same way about me.  On certain occasions, I can’t deny the close bond that we have, but then he disappears and I’m left with way too many questions that linger without answers.  When we meet up again, the happiness is so overwhelming that I don’t even think of brining any of those things up, because I am ever so greatful to even have someone as wonderful as he is in my life.  Just wish that he was there all the time.

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