[Originally written 9.13.2003]
This may get long winded, but we make no apologies for that. If you get bored, just move on.
Firstly, I’m terrible worried about Jon, as I haven’t heard from him in a while, and he had been in touch pretty much every day since we went down to Wildwood together. Either he had to ‘disappear’ due to certain circumstances, or the more extreme [which I hate to think about or even write for that matte] that he’s…well…riding on the midnite train to slab city. Or he’s serving as a guest of the government. Hopefully he will just pop up like always.
Now onto the rambling.
There is really not a definitve starting point. When I see photos of a place that I dream about, the urge to be there rises. Every time I go, I never want to leave. Of course I am talking about Coney Island.
It is a fact that I fell in love with the amusement areas since my first visit as an adult in 2000, and ever since, I can’t seem to keep myself away. In a way I feel as tho I am addicted, drawn in by everything that just is. Many hours could be spent reading about the Islands history for days on end, and I would never grow bored. There is just so much that I find terribly fascinating, that I feel it has taken over me. Its inisde of me…and it refuses to get out.
It took me a while to figure out what I want to do with my life, and the first time I saw the sideshow there…well…my mind was made up. Now I live for it; I’ve got sawdust in my veins and I was meant to do this. A lot of my time is spent working hard in an attempt to be somewhat successful, tho I kind of enjoy the underground charm to performing with Jon and the Outlaw Cirkus.
In all honesty, I don’t think anyone gets Coney Island unless they love it just as much as I do. It’s not something that you can just put down in words, tho many a poet has tried with brilliant works. There is something about the Island that reaches out and grabs you; once you are hooked, it’s like you can’t live without being there. The end of America where millions upon millions of people have passed before; something man couldn’t handle because greed took over and destroyed what was once our most brilliant amusement area, so unique that there will never be anything like it again.
There is a certain feeling that washes over me when I am there. The sea is what calls me; the urge to have the sand in my shoes and that aroma in my lungs. The Island has had a rocky history since it was spawned, and yet it still exists while other things are long gone. There is history all round you there, and you are a part of it. Have been there at almost every time of day, from early afternoon to the evening to sunset to nite fall. Have seen the beautful blue sky uninterrupted by any clouds the beach blanketed by snow with dreary grey fluff expanding over my head.
My fondest memory has to be seeing the sun rise. In the past, had never stayed on the beach long enough to see this, but when I did, something happened to me. The moment was as perfect as it could get. A sort of bliss settled over me. There were no worries. No bills to pay. No traffic to be annoyed by. No television or radio. No distractions. No ignorant people. No drama. No bullshit. Just the sea…and the comfort of my best friend. Oh how I could sit on that beach and listen to the sea for hours. The thought has entered my mind on a number of occasions to just say fuck it and live by the sea.
By the sea, by the sea, by the beautiful sea…
As a side note, the sideshow practice has been coming along quite nicely, and I have made great progress with the sword…er, hanger rather. Got it 3/4 of the way down on Tuesday and laughed myself to tears I was so fucking happy. Every time I practice I gag less and less, until it starts going down my esophogus, and then it’s vomit time. There’s nothing like the acrid taste of saliva and bile in the morning. It makes for a great weight-loss plan, tho. Of course I have now discovered a whole new meaning to the term deep-throating, and yea…on some level, it feels good in that sexual way.
It’s kind of sad that only one person appreciates my efforts, but I suppose that’s better than feeling like I am wasting my time. Our performances haven’t been the same since we lost most of the Outlaw Cirkus Family, which is something that still effects both of us two years after the incident, but it’s not easy to get over the deaths of people you loved and cared for. However, we keep going and doing our thing in order to continue their legacy, even if there are breaks when Jon takes off on his spontaneous adventures. That’s the way it is between us, tho there are many times I wish he would just take me with him so we could stop pretending that we’re ‘just friends’. Some day maybe, but for now, I consider myself fortunate to even have him in my life at all, so as usual I just haves to roll with the punches and keep my chin up.