[Originally written 9.19.03]
It happened on Thursday while I was doing my usual ritual of putting a hanger down my throat, when suddenly it went almost all the way down. You can imagine my inexplicable happiness with this.
Today I managed to get it all the way down; the only part that was sticking out was the curved handle of the hanger, and that was so I could pull it back out.
There is no feeling like it in the world. The first thing I wanted at that moment was to share my exhiliration with someone who could be proud of my accomplishment.
As thrilled as I am, it seems valueless if I can’t celebrate with someone who understands, and I can’t force people to have that feeling or have them know why this is so important to me. Either you get it or you don’t, and honestly, most truly just don’t fucking get it.
After not hearing from Jon for a solid week, he invited me down to the Shore. While I have no idea what he’s been up to, I don’t want to burden him with this torrent of emotion that has plagued me since our last meeting. Sometimes it seems better to just leave things left unsaid, because there is no doubt he values me as a friend. He has personal issues that he keeps to himself, and I don’t want to stick my nose into his business. Nor do I want to overload him with my own.
At least I got to spend time with someone who can be happy for me. Rolled down to South Jersey in the early evening, listening to my surf mix tapes which aways seem to make that drive go by fast. It was good to see him and be caught in a huge hug as soon as I walked thru the door. That was before I even said anything, but as usual he was just glad to see me, explaining that he had taken a trip to the desert and had no way of contacting me. While he never really has to offer up that kind of information, I do appreciate it.
Then it was down to business, which was me being excited and rambling about how great it felt to swallow a coat hanger. The smile that lit up his face was phenomenal, and it was followed by even more hugs along with congratulations. Jon insists that we have to celebrate, so we climb into his Chevy and I have no idea where we were headed but I’m bursting with joy. When those pine trees came into view, the realization of what the destination was hit me. Three painful months had passed since we last set foot in the Pine Barrens, having buried our Family because some ignorant assholes felt it was best if they were dead. In all that time, we never spoke abou the tragedy, tho it always lingered with us. At the moment it didn’t occur to me why he selected that location, but I know now that it still held meaning for him.
The funny thing about plant life in New Jersey is that it has great resilliency and the ability to repair itself, because we could not tell where that fateful fire had taken place. We did happen to find a few decaying wooden monuments that had been ued to mark the area; everything else minus a few trees was pretty much the same.
Jon tenderly took my hand in his, a wide vareity of emotion swelling in his eyes. It’s not often that he gets so serious, and I knew whatever was about to happen would stick with me forever. He tells me in his blunt way of speaking how incredibly proud of me he is and that my undying spirit has been motivating him to have he desire to perform more. The words that followed were filled with passion and were exactly what I needed to hear. From then on, we would both put forth the effort to carry on the legacy of our Family.
Celebration commenced with a fat blunt, swigs of ‘shine and ‘shroom juice and then an offer of something else I had never done before. While I have been aware of Jon’s drug use for a while, there are some things we just didn’t share because he respects my choice not to do them. However, I will not deny that I have been curious, and cetainly smoking ‘proper blunts’ falls into the category of hard drug use compared to just weed or mushrooms. Sure, we dropped acid on the Wonder Wheel, but that was a special occasion and not something we did ‘for fun’.
So when that white powder made an appearance, there was hesitation on my part. Jon certainly wasn’t pressuring me, jut merely suggesting that if I really wanted to try it, I had the opportunity to do so. Of course he would be there for me if any bad feelings arose, and if I didn’t like it, he would be sure not to offer in the future. That old cliche of you only live once entered my mind, so I said fuck it and took the glass straw from his hand.
Suffice to say we spent hours in the woods, laughing and talking loudly even tho the only things we may have disturbed were the trees, plants and whatever wild life was slinking around. It was certainly one of the most intese trips I’ve ever had, with strong hallucinations and extreme feelings of euphoria. By the time the sun came up, Jon was sober enough to drive, tho definitely still stuck in the throng of everything we put into our bodies. We collapsed in his bed when we returned to his house and stayed that way for most of the day. It was so incredibly comfortable, and I was in love with how awesome it felt.
Part of me wanted to shar thise with him, but as usual I bit my tongue and kept these thoughts to mysef. It was hard, especially since he held me close as we waited for sleep. Now I am unsure of what to say or think, but I know that there will come a point where I have to speak up before I miss my chance to do so.