Late Nite Thoughts

[Originally written 9.23.03]

There is no denying the recent influx of things sideshow related and the mentions of Jon being my parnter in crime along with, shall we say, complications that arise from us spending time together.

To make things clear, I know that I am still friends with the Asshole and we share intimate moments.  We have been this way over four years now, and despite everything [even times where shit got really bad] he is still a friend.  He is there for me when all others have gone their own path,  but I do question at what cost.  By now, I am well aware that it is a very strange situation and will say no more this time around.

There remains the undeniable fact that I need more.  My heart yearns for someone who understands my need to perform, as well as my thoughts of crossing that line into the small population of self-made [self-inflicted if you will] sideshow freaks.  That’s not to say I couldn’t get along with people who aren’t into tattoos, piercings and other body modifications, but there are things that I cannot possibly explain to people who don’t get it.  Sure, they may lend an ear, but in their head it’s “When the fuck is she gonna shut up about this already?”

To be honest, I don’t expect everyone to be into what I’m doing, or to even fully understand my reasoning..

This is why I relate to the one person in my life who does, but he comes and goes so much that there is a lot of confusion over where our relationship stands.  He is someone who constantly motivates me and appreciates any of my accomplishments.  Someone who takes me out to celebrate because I just swallowed a 20″ piece of steel or I got the screwdriver in my nose.

Perhaps my belly-aching is in vain and no one gives a shit.  Then again, I can’t help but feel that there is an emptiness inside; a void which only a certain person can fill.  Until then, I will say whatever I want because I’m not expecting anything from anyone.  Sometimes I just like to get the words out instead of allowing emotions to get the better of me, since they tend to cause me to act in an irrational manner.  It’s just hard when I have so many feelings and my friend isn’t always around to help me sort them out.

When I went to the Brothers Grimm show in Seaside and I saw the World’s Strangest Couple [Katzen and Enimga], a part of me sighed romantically and thought “Isn’t that just the greatest?” Here are two people who are heavily tattooed, and I’m sure they go out on dates just like ‘normal’ people.  When Enigma performed gavage – that is, the act of running a tube into the stomach, pumping fluids in and then out again – upon deposting the liquids from his stomach into a container, Katzen grabbed it chugged like a champ, a smile lit up my face as I thought “Now that’s love.”

Suffice to say I would be so happy if I found someone who wanted to drink liquid that was pumped in and out of my stomach.  Someone who gets aroused when I swallow that deadly blade, and not because of it’s sexual undertones, but rather due to the act itself.

Then, as usual, there comes the reminder about my partner in crime.  A talker who can get people to see the show twice without even realizing it until it’s too late.  Someone to get coked up with and head out to the Shore where we can just be totally uninhibited.   Someone that would be my enforcer, should someone fuck with me – or if they already have.  Someone to protect me and yet not control me.  Someone as spontaneous as I am who would go driving just for the fuck of it.  Someone to perform with, so as to share the incredible high of being on stage.  Someone out of the ordinary, above this mass of flesh I see on a daily basis.

A girl can dream, but fantasies – no matter how healthy – do come to an end, and the bitter reality hurts more than you want people to know.
Then in the end, I smack myself for lamenting when I know I have someone that qualifies for just about everything I want.  Why is it so hard for me to just tell him that?  What is the worst thing that could happen?

We share so many common interests and life goals that it’s almost ridiculous.  He has taught me so much in the short amount of time that we have been friends, there are moments where it feels as tho we have always been this way.  No one else cares for me the way he does, but I can sense a distance between us, which manifests when he goes on adventures. 

 Do I feel offended?  Not really, seeing as how he tells me that I am part of the reason he always comes back to Jersey. 

 Do I feel abandonded?  At times, yes, because of the things that I am around when it seems like there is no escape.

Should I just stop being a coward?  Most likely, but I am not really good at expressing myself and my feelings, even to someone I am comfortable with when I am around them. 

Things will go on as they have, but I know that they will get better.


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