[Originaly written 10.7.03]
The mind wanders still. Is it any wonder?
Dreams are bizarre and muddled, often a clusterfuck of ideas, thoughts and visions that don’t necessarily make sense, but must have some sort of meaning to even be there. Once I was in the circus, and the colors were so vivid I could have sworn I wasn’t dreaming. Once I was with a well-known sideshow performer [nameless here to protect myself] and we were on stage together.
While I don’t believe in luck, I believe in coincidences and fate; I believe everything happens for a reason, but that we aren’t meant to always understand why. There is no doubt that my exposure to circus and carnivals as a kid piqued my natural curiosity and drove me to want more. My Dad even said that he took me to the aquarium out on Coney Island, but I was likely too young to remember. There is a vauge vision of penguins, but certainly not any memory of the Cyclone.
Is it really a surprise that I am still interested in these things now? Or could it be that I am finally going over the edge to that blissful point of no return?
While I could say that I have lost my mind, it would be a severe understatement of the obvious.
Hibernation is on the menu for Winter. The past few months have been filled with great adventures with my best friend. Even tho I do not always mention it, we have performed together a lot, which does nothing more than fuel my desire to continue down this path. Maybe Jon is a bad influence, but so far I haven’t done anything that I didn’t really want to. The feelings I get when we are on stage together are none I can put into words, which accounts for the reason I have lacked in documenting these events. Then again, the memories will last me a lifetime and that’s all I really need.
However, lately I cannot help but notice Jon’s behavoir, which is evidence of his continued drug use. It certainly is not my place to play the motherly role to someone who is older than I am, but of course there is concern because I love him and wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to him. Winter does something to him, and I know it’s because he has no desire to even acknowledge the holiday season. His parents are dead, his relatives are dead and the Family we once shared is dead. He has friends but is not close with them; I know that I am the most important person in his life, but for the past couple of years I was dating and had to oblidge doing holdiay things.
There has been much thinking, about Jon, sideshow and a variety of other things that tend to leave me feeling overwhelmed. That’s when I usually come the conclusion of wanting to just say fuck it all and go away for a while.
Time to get the sideshow together and push harder than we have before. There is no way I will ever suffer in a corporate environment where I’d be sucked dry of my personality and freedom for some monetary compensation, which most likely would be pissed away while I make the excuse that it’s my money and I can spend it any way I want. That is never going to happen to me, because I am better than a mindless robot.
Also, I know what makes me happy, and that is more important than being ‘responsible’ and becoming a corporate slave. There isn’t enough money to convince me that giving up myself is worth the meager reward. Besides, I am taking care of myself in every other way possible, which I would like to see other do for themselves. It’s so easy to have parents and friends there to coddle you and bend to your whims, but I am not that kind of person nor do I need to prove anything to anyone.
What is a girl to do? Having sawdust in your veins ought to count for something. How I dream of a carnival blowing into town to take me away from all of this dismal bullshit.
At least having Jon makes these things seem less insane, but the distance between us gets annoying. Being in E-town or at my mom’s house makes me feel like he is worlds away. Every time we lose touch for a while, I get bogged down by paranoid thoughts and cry because I want him there for me when I am feeling depressed. He is my outlet for things I tell no one else, simply due to the fact he offers comfort in the simplest ways that carry so much meaning.
The stories he has of growing up in the carnival are highly fascinating and could have me listen to him talk for hours. They usually come up at random, spurred on by consuming drugs but that’s what makes them come to life. Okay, and maybe I really enjoy his strange accent. The point is, there are times when I can see a sadness in his eyes and a longing for a life that was dramatically changed when he was just 13 years-old. There is no way I can imagine what it’s like to watch your father get murdered and not understand why, nor what that kind of event can to to a young man. Certainly it leaves an ugly scar, one which I know Jon continues to bury under drugs and alcohol.
When we are performing, he is an entirely different person. His focus is on delivering the best entertainment possible, and that is what has kept people talking. At times he apologizes for speaking to me in a firm manner, but I know it’s because he wants me to stay focused and be the best performer I can. There is no doubt we both love what we do, but I still see him struggling with things he would prefer not to speak about, and that tears me up inside because I don’t know how to help him. Which just leaves me conflicted and prone to giving him space since I don’t want my caring to be overbearing.
The sideshow is where we both belong tho, and I am determined to keep him on that path. It fills him with happiness that I know he appreciates and maybe even needs. Give us a colorful canvas, painted sideshow banners waving in the wind and a floor made out of dirt. We have freaks, wonders and human curiosities, the likes of which no one has ever seen.
This is what makes me feel on top of the world, and I want him there with me.