Bleeding Heart

[Originally written 11.24.03]

When I was in the City on Friday and heading back to the PATH station, a woman sitting at a table on the sidewalk asked me if I’d like to try a free reading.  Why the hell not, it’s free and I had never done anything like that before.  So I sat down and gave her my left palm to read.

Apparantly I have a long life line, and will live another 60+ years before dying of old age.  Money comes and goes, but is not a concern right now.  She tells me I was in love, but this left a scar on my heart which makes it difficult to look for the right one.  Apparently I am surrounded by friends who are jealous.  Men find me attractive, but because of the aforementioned jealousy, I tend to have low self-esteem and think the opposite.

In all honesty, I have to say that the experience was interesting.  She was pretty much on point with everything she said, though I can’t quite figure out who could be jealous of me, as I find myself a bit envious of others at times.  That whole thing about men being attracted to me threw me for a loop, on account of I usually think they are ether confused or repulsed by me.  The part about being in love stirred up way too many feelings and questions of how she could have known that.  All of my instincts and what I have learned from Jon told me that she was not just bullshitting me either.  She knew absolutely nothing about me, and I certainly didn’t offer up any details, information or even the slightest tell to let her know if she was right or wrong.  Need to remember to bring this up with Jon the next time I see him.

Other than that, I thought that going out would lift me out of the funk I seem to have fallen in, and it did for a little while.

However, there were times this weekend when those damn human emotions came boiling together.  The shit that makes you stop to think and feel.  That combination was never good for me.

As the year comes closer and closer to an end, I can’t help but feel certain bad things creeping back in.  The same old lament for the man I do not have; the torch I have been carrying for over two years now.  The want and need for someone just doesn’t go away.  Even the palm-reader knew about the love I have for Jon that I cannot bring myself to fully voice for various reasons.

Saturday was a trip out to Coney Island to try and shake myself from way too many thoughts.  Once again I found myself relieved when standing on that sandy shore, staring at the sea as it stretched off into nothing.  This time of year there amusement area is quiet and there are only a few people on the boardwalk, many of whom are long-time residents of the area who use it for exercise.  An old European couple was sitting on a bench, huddled together and just enjoying each other’s company.  It was bitterly sweet, because as much as I enjoy seeing how long two human beings can love one another, it is a reminder that I have no one.  Such a selfish thought was cast aside as I walked around and a part of me truly did not want to leave.  For once all the negative shit that’s been haunting me was gone, and I was at peace.

Now I miss those feelings.

The scar on my heart is starting to show, and may even be turning into a bleeding wound.

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