[Originally written 11.25.03]
Firstly, I must say that while he acted as tho he didn’t care, the Asshole behaved in a rather childish manner when I told him I was going out on Friday. I see him almost every day [which he does tend to complain about], so he has the chance to make a move and perhaps take me somewhere. But he doesn’t, then gets odd when I tell him that I’m going out. Well excuse me for being 21 and wanting to go out on a Friday nite instead of staying with him and doing nothing.
Anyway, when he saw me getting ready, he had to ask where I was going, to which I replied the default “Out“. He assumed it was to the club, and nothing I could say would convince him otherwise, so I just let him think that. What do I care anyway?
Assembled face; rocked the faux ‘hawk; dressed self and tucked a blunt safely in my pocket for later. As I was heading out the door he said: “Keep your pants on“.
What kind of girl does he take me for? That was really rude and totally uncalled for. So I turned and said: “Never mind me. Keep your fucking pants on.” Which I don’t feel bad about saying, as I knew the minute I walked out that door, he would be doing his imporntant things. Which is just fine by me, because he could only imagine what I was off to do.
In any event, I met up with Jon a short while later and we made it to the City with no problem, and I was glad that the weather was so nice. We had no idea where we were going, aside from some directions I scribbled down from looking at a street map. Well, they weren’t very helpful, because we kept walking around but didn’t see the street that the club was suupsed to be on. Eventually Jon just stopped somebody to ask for directions, and we then had no problem finding said club.
Cue consumption of vodka and cranberry juice, along with sneaking out to smoke the blunt I had brought. The show was full of various ‘billy kids and a few assorted punks. The bands were totally awesome, as were all the rocking kats and kittens that came out. We drank and danced, which is something I don’t usually do. However, when I am with Jon, all of my inhibitions seem to be nonexistant. For whatever reason, I feel totally relaxed around him and just completely let loose. We were one of the few couples to actually dance, and while I don’t consider myself to be any sort of level of professional, it sure was fun. Some people even looked kind of jealous, but they should have stopped sitting on their asses at the bar and got their feet moving. Needless to say I very much enjoyed myself.
Afterwards we hit up some little shop for coffee and deserts, then smoked another blunt on the way back to the Chevy. Before we climbed inside, Jon took me in his arms and gave me a little kiss. To say it was the alcohol that fueled this decision would totally shit upon the fact that I know he has feelings for me. I mean, I certainly harbor them too but don’t really act on them because I’m a coward and don’t want our awesome friendship to be any more complicated than it already is. However, I cherised the brief moment our lips touched and kind of wished it was something that happened more often.
Unfortunately, since the Asshole insisted upon seeing me for at least part of the weekend, I had to return to E-town, but I definitely had and excellent time with Jon.
The next morning the Asshole was bitching about how he didn’t like the fact that I was “sneaking” into his house at nite and blahzy blah. Whatever. Told him that I was coming back, and it ain’t my fault if he didn’t want to listen. Then he goes off and says that he will just change the lock. Yea, okay. Would he rather I didn’t come back at all? Not like any of these matters, considering I am a grown adult who can go where I want and do anything I please. He really needs to get off this power trip like he owns me or something, because otherwise he will be introduced to Jon’s fist and never see me again.
This time the Asshole made sure he asked if I was coming back, and I admit that I am rather offended. We have been spending a lot of time together and he was acting like that would suddenly change because I happened to go out. Maybe if he would stop bitching about being so old and just get dressed up once in a while, I would want to go out with him more often. Instead, I get to hear about all the crazy shit he did when he was my age, and then he acts all stupid when I tell himt that I’m going out.
He mentioned that he was going to see a friend’s band. Yea, sure. Am sure the only thing he did was pop a tape into the VCR.
Jon picked me up at White Castle, and even tho we hit some traffic after crossing the Goethels, we made it into Brooklyn around 7:30. This time we had no problem finding the club. It was in the middle of this really quiet neighborhood that had a slightly industrial feel, and I sort of wished that we lived there.
Stood outside for a while waiting for the venue to open and shared a blunt with Jon. He entertained the small group of people that were gathered on the sidewalk with card tricks. Finally went inside about an hour after we arrived, and I overheard a guy on the phone say: “Did you know this Lucky Devil thing was just one guy?” Apparently he wasn’t happy that Tyler would be doing a one man show, as Angelica was sick. Hey, that’s just the business and shit happens all the time. You have a choice to make, and he chose to let the show go on, which was better than not doing it at all.
After the last shitty ‘band’ finished, it was time for the real show, which kicked ass as usual. Felt it was a bit short tho. When you are watching everyone else, it seems like they are on forever, and when the act you’re really there to see goes on, the time goes by so fast. Wanted to smack the drunken bitch that kept shouting rude comments when he was doing the sword swallowing routine. Do they not understand it takes concentration? Am sure she wet herself when he pulled her up on stage and tricked her at the end with that kiss. Girls are so fucking stupid sometimes.
We had no intention of sticking around for even more crappy ‘music’. Got me a Lucky Devil shirt [which I plan to mutilate into a baby-doll shirt] and stole a kiss on Tyler’s cheek, just to see if I could get away with it. To my surprize, he was kind enough to return the favor. Will just leave it at that witout reading anything into it.
Stopped at Coney Island for something to drink since a few joints on the boardwalk were open and neither of us wanted to be overcharged at the venue. The amusement area is always so strange in the off-season. The Cyclone is dark, and the Wonder Wheel is missing its gondolas. All the rides sit in silence, waiting to wake up again in Spring.
How badly I wanted to go to sleep on that beach and never leave. Went back to Jersey instead, and laid in bed with the Island on my mind, among other things. While taking a stroll on the boardwalk, there was one of those strange moments where Jon took me in his arms and gave me a kiss. He said nothing before or after, but I could see in his eyes that there was something on his mind. He just smiled and held my hand as we continued walking.
That longing to share my feelings is stronger now than it has ever been before. No matter where we go or what we do, there is always one constant: at the end of the nite, I have to go to bed alone. Jon is not there to tuck me in or kiss me good nite; he is not there when I wake up and just want to be held in his arms. The Asshole is obviously just a friend [sometimes not a very good one] and he can’t give me what I need. However, I still find myself asking why I hold back my feelings from Jon when I know that I would love nothing more than to shout them from the rooftop once and for all.
One episode of Carnivale remains. The opening dream sequence was odd, and perhaps I was right in my assumption that somewhere down the line, Brother Justin and the Carnivale crew will meet up. Sophie and Libby got pretty close, tho the sex was just a vision that her mother gave her, and Sophie was not amused. Jonsey and Rita Sue kept giving each other the eye, but he finally told her it had to be over. After much talking, Sophie realized she wanted to give him another chance and it seems like Jonesy is willing to take it. Being the selfish pig that she is, Rita Sue decided to show up the new cootch dancer and dumped a bucket of water on herself to get all the attention. Stumpy then goes for a reading and is told there’s a man who keeps coming back to his wife who ain’t a trick. When asked who it is, Sophie doesn’t want to tell him, and asks him to leave. She calls her mother a liar, as I’m sure Apollina informed her that it was Jonesy. There was much drama surrounding Brother Justin and what happened during his baptism. Dolan knows something happened, but the other priest would not tell him. Then he threatens to go public with the knowledge that Justin was in an asylum, and that his car was at the scene of the misson fire. The priest then went to Justin and Iris with the information, and they just passed it off as gossip. Justin later confronted his sister, and she confessed that it was she who set the fire. That was a total surprise. Justin grabbed her as tho he would strike her, but they shared an insestuous kiss instead, and when he threw her on the couch, she looked up at him as tho she expected more. Meanwhile, Lodz went off and purchased a poisonous snake, which Lila planted in a bag and left for Ruthie. She was bitten, and asks Gabriel to fetch Ben, who then tried to save her, but to no avail. Points of note was the boy he ran into with the paint on him that mimicked those of the tattooed man he’s seen is his dreams that was then chased by men with machetes, the confessional scene where the priest turns out to be Scudder, but then disappears, and the fact that Ben decided to trust Samson. The last episode’s preview definately looked explosive. Have a feeling that it’s goning to be a big cliff hanger, and of course I will have to wait for next season to find out what happens. However, I aboslutely love this show and will be greatly anticipating the new episodes.