[Originally written 11.29.03]
Have been down in South Jersey for the past two days, completely stoned and stress free. Jon apologized for his absence since we last hung out, and even went so far as to say that he was sorry I have been feeling depressed. Then he adds that he wanted me to be more direct with him—to let him know what I am thinking. It is hard for me to open up, especially when I have been cut down for doing so in the past. However, Jon is my best friend and treating him like the Asshole would be a dick move. This is the man that I love and trust more than anyone, and I am just going to have to stop being so ridiculous when it comes to sharing my thoughts. Deep down, I know that it would be better to say what is on my mind as opposed to keeping quite, because it’s not doing me any good. There’s nothing I could really say or do that would make Jon treat me any differently anyway.
In any event, while my ‘holiday’ was less than joyful, leaving behind the bustle of E-town and escpaing to the Shore certainly lifted my spirit. Jon heated up some leftovers and we took several bong hits to the head. Later on he breaks out the White Lightning—which also happened to include some ‘shrooms—and we went out to relax on the beach for a bit. Sitting on the sand while sharing a blunt, we stared out at the darkened ocean for a while. Eventually Jon says that he knows I have strong feelings for him and I shouldn’t be so inclined to keep them to myself. His hand makes its way to mine and next thing I know we’re climbing into the Chevy.
Moments later we’re running thru the Pine Barrens playing hide-and-seek in the dark. We take a rest to eat a handful of ‘shrooms and spend the next several hours haunting the woods. Jon made for a good Jersey Devil, to the point where he decided it would be better to ride out the trip inside the Chevy. Sprawled out on the back seat, he takes me in his arms, the tattoos implanted there coming to life. The events that followed were certainly not things that two people who are ‘just friends’ would engage in. However, I didn’t feel bad about anything that happened, but I would never tell anyone either.
When we climbed in his bed together later on, that overwhelming sense of safety and security filled me with great happiness.
The rest of my time spent with Jon was dedicated to writing and enjoy my boy’s company. It was hard for me to leave, and really, I didn’t even know why I was. Except for the fact that I know my Mom would be worried if I didn’t come back to her house, and unfortunately all of my things are here. However, if those factors were not in play, I know I would be in his arms right now.
Apparently the Asshole called while I was away, but he’s definitely the furthest thing from my mind at the moment.