[Originally written 12.10.03]
Right now I feel like I’m digging myself a hole that I might not be able to climb back out of.
For the first time in the history of forever, I have two men in my life. Just to make it clear, I am not complaining at all, so I don’t want any of this to come across that way. It’s just that I never had to deal with something like this before, so it’s all new to me and I haven’t the slightest clue as to what I should do.
Last Tuesday, I rolled out to Newark and met up with Jon at the train station. We hopped on the PATH into the City and wasted no time in heading to the Village while sharing a joint. Hung out there for a while to spange while making fun of those elitist assholes with the holier-than-thou attitudes who are too good to acknowledge you. Don’t exactly understand where that comes from, but maybe it’s because I’m from Jersey and we tend to be friendly when coming across people who look cool. In the City, it’s like you’re breaking some unwritten law by smiling at someone because they have tattoos, piercings or you just dig their style. Not that we really care, but it’s just something very noticable when you spend enough time watching others. They look down at us like we’re fucking garbage rotting in the street but have no idea who we are or what we’re about. That’s what we find most amusing, especially if they try to engage in attempts to insult us because we’re hitting up tourists and rubes for spare change. They don’t understand that we’re doing it more for the entertainment value than the money we get, but they’d rather make assumptions and rude comments. Jon is always armed with witty comebacks that shut down even the smartest mouth, and that’s just one of the many reasons I love him so much.
Once we had our fill of dirty looks, we headed down to Chinatown for a lavish sushi dinner. The fish tasted incredibly fresh, to the point I dare say it was like an oral orgasm. We laughed about the afternoon’s events and toasted good fortune with saki. Leaving a sizable tip, we walked back to the PATH and returned to Jersey to fetch our vehicles. Drove about fifteen minutes down the road and then checked into the Super 8 in North Bergen, and by the time all was said and done we decided that we should just stay in. There’s really not anywhere to go walking around there, and we were kind of tired from our adventure in the City. Jon had also hauled his VCR all the way from South Jersey so we could watch movies, and it was pretty damn cold, so he rolled a couple of fat blunts and poured shots of whiskey while I selected what we would be viewing that evening.
Hooked up the VCR then commenced watching 28 Days Later and X:2. Both were great films. We hit the drags and stayed up half the nite just bullshitting about whatever. That’s around the time Jon’s tongue got loose and he admitted that he liked me as more than a friend. Which is something I have known for quite a while now, but hearing him say it got my stomach full of nerves. Of course I told him about the way I felt, and it was such a weight off my chest. Next thing I know we’re in bed together…and things got non PG-rated from there. Not exactly the one to kiss and tell, but let’s just say that what happened was really nice and something which has been building up between us for a long time.
We parted ways yesterday afternoon so he could go home and catch some sleep before he went to work. On the ride back here, I had some time to gather my thoughts and reflect on what happened. Certainly not going to say that I regret what we did, because that’s just stupid. There is such a thing as saying No, but I seem to have a hard time doing that when I’m with Jon. He makes me incredibly happy in so many ways, and every time we’re together, it’s like nothing else in the world matters because I feel safe, secure and completely loved. No one else has ever made me feel that way, and while I understand I haven’t exactly dated a lot of people, sometimes you just know when you have found someone that you can spend the rest of your life with.
Anyway, I had to really sit down and ponder over a lot of things. Is it really cheating? The Asshole is still in my life, but I don’t consider us to be dating no matter what he thinks. As far as having a relationship with Jon, I can’t really say that’s what we are doing at this point.
There’s no doubt he digs me, and I have to say I am really flattered. It’s not too often I hear a guy say he likes me in that way without wanting something physical in return. That might be due to the low opinion I have of myself, but whatever.
To most, it would seem like I don’t actually have a problem at all. Jon loves me just the way I am; he supports me, inspires me and encourages me on so many levels. When I met him at the train station, I had no makeup on, and he didn’t make a big deal out of it like someone would. When I mentioned this to Jon, he said that he didn’t even notice, because that’s not what he was looking at.
On the subject of the Asshole, I don’t consider us to have a ‘relationship’ as most people would view one. We see each other an a rather consistent basis, we go out places together, he buys me things and gives me money. On rare occasions we are intimate, but I don’t really enjoy those moments. As much as I bitch about him, in some odd and off the wall way, I still care about him and consider him a friend. Things between us have been strange since the beginning; four and half years later, the situation hasn’t changed much.
There is no reason I should feel guilty then, because I have stronger feelings for Jon than I ever did for the Asshole. That is made abundantly clear every time we are together and I never want him to let me go when I find myself in his tattooed arms. Yet we part ways and I either wind up at my Mom’s house or the apartment in E-town, covering my ass with lies when the Asshole starts asking too many questions. Part of me knows that I could just tell Jon that I don’t want to be there any more, and if the Asshole made a fuss, my boy would have no problem taking care of him. What is holding me back then?
After writing all of this, I’m not even sure what the point is, excepct that I haven’t been in this kind of situation before, and I really don’t know what I should do, if anything at all.
In the end, my heart knows what it wants. If I don’t let that happen, I’m just going to be miserable and stuck in a lie of a relationship I would like to be over so I can move on.