[Originally written on this date in 2005]
Well, I wish I could say that I enjoyed my stay here in Jersey, but for reasons mentioned in the last entry, the visit was not exactly entirely pleasant. However, I need to move on from that on focus on the return to PA, as it won’t be long until the crew makes its way down to Maryland, where we will be living and working for the next month or so. After that, I will have to find myself a place to live when I come back, but there is plenty of money for rent and whatnot so I just have to worry about the actual location.
There is no holiday celebration in my future, and that stings just a bit, though it could probably be argued that is the consequence of my choice to travel. However, as James said to me last night, I don’t need negativity in my life and he is absolutely right. Dwelling on what has happened is not going to be useful to me moving forward, and the biggest obstacle I am going to have to overcome my fear of being alone. Though I cannot deny that not knowing what is coming in the future [which is not that far away] gives me an unsettled feeling, and I am not a robot either. Emotions cannot just be turned off at convenience, and those very feelings are currently still betraying me.
There is writing to do, as I open up this bleeding heart to him one last time. This is the big bet, as I feel I have far more to lose not taking the risk than doing so and not get the result I am hoping for. The fact of the matter is that I am so in love with Aaron, I would do anything for that him in order to have a long-term relationship with him. Some of those things will be very hard and may require me to cut ties with everyone I know. He is worth doing so, as I have spent many years being loyal to him despite everything in life that has tried to separate us. Even the thousands of miles which currently exist between us seem nonexistent when I think of how tight our bond has become over the years.
Perhaps that old saying is true, or it simply comes down to the fact that when you accept someone as your companion, being without them allows you to appreciate the time you spent together. Whatever the reason, I miss him so much and dream of schemes involving adopting a minimalist amount of material possessions and disappearing from the Garden State together in search of unknown adventures. Reality makes this a more difficult task no matter how easy it is when you imagine these things happening, and I have yet to actually make contact with him beyond that post card. It is kept in a safe place, and I read it every night in order to keep myself focused on working the tree lot, as I don’t have much else to motivate my existence at the moment.
Dramatics aside, there are a lot of changes that need to happen next month, which I suppose is appropriate considering the New Year is coming up as well. The timing is coincidental, but I also had a feeling that I would not continue living in this house once the job is over. Being able to financially support myself was a main factor that contributed to reasons why I haven’t relocated up to this point, but that is less of a concern now. At least I have something to think about and plan for when I am not working, avoiding the fact I have to share the environment with someone who has made it their mission to treat me like shit.
Let’s end this on a lighter note since I am making the effort to have daily positive affirmations in order to focus on myself without distractions. The swelling of my new piercing has gone down considerably, which I am attributing to the sea salt soak I have been doing. Call it preparation for knowing that I might not be able to clean it much once the tree lot is up in full swing. Running the hoses for the bunkhouse shower is not possible in colder temperatures, as the water would freeze inside them and render them completely useless. As a result, we were told that we should try to take a shower when we could, otherwise we would have to wait until our boss could rent a room at the hotel. Conveniently the lot we are setting up in is right in front of said hotel, yet we have to stay crammed in these closet-sized bunks with space heaters and no running water or bathroom.
These are small sacrifices to make in exchange for earning some cold hard cash, so I am not going to complain and do whatever they ask me to while keeping my head down and mouth shut unless making small talk.